One of the debates I’ve heard (and engaged in) with other moms is about teaching manners. I grew up calling my friends’ parents by their first names, so when I moved to Texas and everyone said, “Ma’am” and “Sir,” I didn’t like it. It felt too formal, authoritarian, and didn’t jive at all with my belief that no one is superior or deserving of respect just because of age. You need to be nice to people, respectful to everyone, no big power imbalance.

I do believe in “please” and thank you” however. The world is a softer place when you observe the social niceties.

When Cavanaugh was two, I found What Do You Say, Dear? amidst books inherited from my childhood. It seems unlikely that it would get published today because we don’t typically joke about kids being threatened with violence (dragons, dinosaurs, guns), but it’s hilarious. Each vignette offers a scenario in which one must practice one’s manners e.g. “You are at a wedding party because you are the bride. You have a fine husband and an enormous wedding cake, and you are going to live happily ever after, only first you are very, very hungry. / What do you say, dear? / ‘Would you please pass the cake?’”

Just after we started reading What Do You Say, Dear? Cavanaugh said “please” for the first time (and we didn’t even have cake).

We’re reading it again, because he’s five and bossing me around a lot, trying to figure out what is his to control, what he’s responsible for, and what I need to help with. Making him food and reading him bedtime stories are my territory, but he can put his own clothes in the hamper and carry his glass of water up to the bedroom. Even when he’s asking me to do something that he couldn’t do himself, I appreciate being asked nicely.

What Do You Say, Dear? is helping teach him–in a totally hilarious manner. What do you say when you run your plane through someone’s roof? Same thing you say when you accidentally break your friend’s toy: “I’m sorry.” What do you say when the queen has served you a spaghetti appetizer, spaghetti salad, spaghetti dinner, and you’re too full for spaghetti dessert? Same thing you say when you’re done eating dinner with your family: “May I please be excused?”

We’re also reading Mind Your Manners, a Classic Winnie the Pooh knock-off (totally not by A.A. Milne). Pooh goes to a picnic hosted by Christopher Robin and is so excited that he forgets to say “hallo,” “please pass the honey,” or anything else polite. He reaches in front of Eeyore, drinks milk while Tigger cleans up the flowers he knocked over, and doesn’t say “thank you” or even “good-bye.”

Cavanaugh often neglects to say good-bye when people are leaving, even after they’ve said it to him. He got presents for his birthday or Christmas and knows to say, “Thank you,” but many times didn’t. Balancing the totally over-the-top examples from What Do You Say, Dear? with the much more relatable scenarios in Mind Your Manners means I’m not giving lectures or constantly reminding Cavanaugh to mind his manners.

He laughs at the idea of saying, “How do you do?” to a baby elephant and is more likely to remember to say, “hi” when our friends arrive. I’m loving these books, even the gun page (though I totally understand that some parents might skip it). Bad Nose Bill asks, “Would you like me to shoot a hole in your head?”

What do you say, dear?

“No, thank you” of course!