I was so dizzy last night that I had no choice but to go to sleep early. Maybe it was the rains, and mold, or barometric pressure. Maybe it was that I hadn’t slept longer than six hours a night in weeks. My brain wakes my body up and I just can’t fall back into sleep. Maybe it was the hours of sobbing over the weekend.
Last week, there were four major incidents that made it undeniable to me that my ex’s girlfriend just isn’t going away. We have avoided talking about her because I am so angry about the affair we can’t get anywhere. I have worked so hard to figure out what is my business and what isn’t.
My son is my business: if he meets this woman, if he’ll be around her, if my ex is planning on moving in with her so visitations would be affected. But the details of how serious they are, how much time they spend together, or anything else that pertains to their relationship doesn’t actually impact me. And, I haven’t really wanted to know any of it.
But I have questions I just can’t make logical answers for. I totally understand how and why my husband reached the conclusion that we should no longer be married. Recently, I read “Ten Ways to Marry the Wrong Person” and we fit almost all of them. So, the question of why he left is easy to answer.
I just can’t figure out why he stayed with me for eight months after he started sleeping with someone else. I can’t figure out how he looked me in the eye and lied to me hundreds of times. How he kept having sex with me. How he listened to my pleas for help with our son, for him to be home more because I was exhausted and burned out and needed him, and then said he had to go into work when he was actually with this woman, or said he’d fallen asleep after his club closed when he was trying to do paperwork.
I have tried over and over to tell myself that I don’t need to know, that I may never understand. And I just haven’t been able to get past it. I was packing up photos of us, cards we gave to each other for anniversaries, birthdays, postcards he sent while he was touring with a band. I wasn’t upset. I’ve loaded those memories of us into a box so that when he’s old enough our son can see how much his parents loved each other. I was fine looking at all that stuff.
It’s the damn girlfriend. And she doesn’t seem to be going away. He loves her. Which means that at some point, my son is going to be around her. And that either opens up a bottomless well of grief in me or makes me homicidal. This woman who had so little respect for my marriage. This woman who disparagingly referred to my ex being with our son as “daddy duty.” This woman who had known me for years and worked me with while I was pregnant. How can I make peace with her ever being around my child?
And my ex is doing things for her that I’d asked him to do for years. If I weren’t seeing him for child hand-offs, seeing the new wardrobe that actually fits and doesn’t consist of rock band t-shirts, seeing what he’s giving up or taking on, maybe it wouldn’t be so painful. As it is though, I assume it all has to do with her. It’s not a fair assumption probably.
When I can’t sleep at night, it’s not because I’m running memories of our first fifteen years together through my head. I am revisiting last fall. I don’t want to live there any more. The ridiculous thing is that if we had stayed together, I would have forgiven the affair already. The night he told me about it, I responded that the affair was a symptom of a much larger problem. And we did have much larger problems.
But the affair is actually a relationship, an ongoing seemingly healthy happy partnership by all reports. Is it that they have found something that he and I worked so hard for? Is it that he’s with someone and I’m alone? Is it that he trashed my respect and trust for him in order to be with this woman? I don’t know. But I have to find some way of accepting it and letting it go–whether they’re together another ten days or another ten years. I don’t want to give this woman any more of my energy. And I don’t know how to stop.
How have you dealt with people who have hurt or wronged you? How do you deal with them being around your child?
Posted on September 23rd, 2010 in 
I’m so sorry, Sonya. I am just so sorry. You are a victim of a crime, and it will take a time to get over the grief and pain. Be gentle and patient with yourself, as you would with anyone who was wounded by others.
May I suggest you consider this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Transcending-Post-infidelity-Stress-Disorder-PISD/dp/1587613344/ref=pd_sim_b_6
The whole first chapter is on Amazon, so you can read it before you decide to order it. I think it might be up your alley.
Sonya,
The person who was supposed to be there to love and cherish you, and come to you with concerns, instead totally betrayed you. As someone who has experienced a similar situation, I can describe the effects on me were emotionally devastating and traumatic. The day I found out, it was like my husband had actually died and I didn’t know the man who looked like him and was an imposter living in my house. It takes a long time to get over a trauma like this and I’m not sure you really ever get over it completely, but the pain does diminish, with only a few flashbacks of hurt and disbelief. I still harbor feelings of anger and wish horrible things on her. I’m not proud of it, don’t understand it, but its fucking there. I try not to judge my feelings and just let them be what they are. I have grown to understand a more compassionate explanation from his perspective now and know it came out of existing problems unresolved over time. He did not stay with her yet still works with her and it bothers me to no end. Give yourself more time and just let your feelings be what they are. Like Joe always said, it is what it is and there is no right or wrong. Odds are, there relationship won’t last and know he still thinks about you often. I’m sorry this happened to you and know you are not alone and you are an incredible woman with so much to give. Things will get better and you will find love again and I expect sooner than later.
Mary Hightower
This was the hardest part for me. I too found myself playing the scenes over and over in my mind. It was pretty awful. Time will heal this also. After a while, you will notice you think about it less often and you won’t even realize it happened. You are still anticipating things that might and probably will happen, such as her having contact with your son. This is likely what keeps it so fresh in your mind. After the anticipation comes to fruition, you will adjust and move on. Sorry you are having to go through this. You will come out stronger on the other side.
I keep thinking I need EMDR to take the charge out of those scenes I play repeatedly. The book Goldberry recommended that compares post-infidelity to PTSD rings true. I appreciate hearing that time (oh how I wish I could speed it up) takes care of a lot of this. How long did it take you?
Sonya,
Yes I’ve dealt with people who’ve hurt me. But the reality was, their actions had nothing to do with me. In other words, they didn’t act out of malice towards me. They acted out of selfishness and disregard for me. (The disregard part hurts. And I’ve hurt myself by pretending that the disregard didn’t exist. My goal now is to acknowledge when people treat me with disregard so that I can decide, without anger, whether to continue with them.)
The people in your life who’ve hurt you probably weren’t thinking about you. They were acting out of their own self- interest. As you know, other people’s actions really have nothing to do with us. All we can do is set boundaries and stick to them. And we can choose what to do when people treat us with disregard.
Oh the lesson in this Diane, that it’s not all about me, that I can’t take it all personally, that sometimes–maybe all of the time–people are just doing what they need to for themselves and even if it affects me isn’t actually about me, if I can get that one consistently in this lifetime, I will consider that a major achievement.
If you had stayed with him the pain would still be there.
G. Long’s book suggestion looks like a good recommendation. Also, I think I recommended this before but this book is fantastic.
http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Relationship-Infidelity/dp/074322549X
Kelly
I tell you what. Having been on the receiving end of a lot of hatred from an ex-wife and then, watching how that wrath and obsession seeped into the lives of the children in an absolutely harmful way, well…it’s been torturous for all involved. Different circumstances – same result.
I’m not suggesting you don’t feel it or think it, talk about it offline, go to meetings, be furious, but be careful. It sucks for the kids. You think they don’t know… they know and they will carry it with them.
I had stepparents too and the way my parents handled it definitely shaped how I viewed and felt about these new and influential people in my life. There is a difference between the circumstances, a significant one. Getting remarried after a relationship has already ended is not the same as dealing with the double life and the lies that come with an affair.
What sucked for my kid was having a dad who wasn’t around, a mom who was lonely and strung out exhausted, all the while being told my fears were unfounded. My son knew I wasn’t okay and he knows now when I’m not. Not that I’m explaining any of it to my four year old. But you’re right, kids know. I’m trying to get over it before he has any more damage to carry with him.
I think its impossible not to feel strongly about what’s happened. I don’t know any divorced couples that don’t have strong feelings about the dissolution of their marriage and the how’s and why’s that it happened.
I would disagree with you on one point – What sucks for your kid is that his parents broke up. Why it happened is entirely in the realm of the adults.
The absolute hardest part, in my experience, is having to totally let go of the idea that what happens on the other parent’s turf is controllable. -That my approval or acceptance or feelings matter. They do not. I really have found a lot of solace in the lessons of Al-Anon regarding these extremely difficult relationships.
Ironically, I think that what’s best for my kid is that his parents broke up. His growing up in a house full of so much anger, personal sacrifice to the point of self-betrayal, and the overwhelming sense of nothing being good enough (on both sides) would have been the worst thing.
It’s the way the marriage ended that I have the hardest time reconciling. Even that though could maybe have only happened in this way. God knows we’d been unhappy for years and had not found another way of giving up or letting go.
I read this last night and it’s still heavy on me in the morning. What is hard for me to handle about what Sonya is going through is the idea of why it happened to her, how unfair it is that she has to go through this, and why wouldn’t it be me going through such a thing? Couldn’t it be me writing this blog (well, no–I’m not this good a writer–but me living this horrible–among other things–experience?). My fear is not attached to the reality of my marriage, but rather a larger feeling of what is fair and my fear about the implications of some people suffering so much more than others. Really, if Sonya has to lose her closest adult attachment to betrayal, shouldn’t the rest of us too?
How one’s husband could so thoroughly cut off empathy with his wife, that question kills me. How another woman, positioned at one end of this situation, could do the same, as if the situation needed more betraying elements, that kills me (is it okay that I shake this woman up and make her see what she is doing to you?). The unfairness of one person leaving a marriage with the comfort of a lover and the other person being left alone–and having to face the possibility of her child forming an attachment to the husband’s lover. This is beyond the pain of sudden widowhood, the loss to death, it’s ten times that.
Much love, Sonya
Sonya,
One last thought – your ex and his girlfriend will never parent in the way you do, and that’s completely okay. The only thing you need to pay attention to is evidence of abuse or neglect. And I honestly believe that the other parties have Cavanaugh’s best interest at heart. Their parenting will be okay even if it’s not how you’d parent. Best of luck with all this.
My ex is an incredible father who would never abuse or neglect our child. He was not a good husband for me any more than I was a good wife for him, but he is one of the best dads I’ve ever seen. Cavanaugh is lucky to have him.
Along the lines of Diane’s comment: Is it possible that you are afraid that this woman will completely replace you? Are you afraid Cavanaugh will “go” to her? I mean, in some small, wounded, scared part of yourself? Because I know that you*know* it won’t happen, but sometimes our small wounded scared parts of ourselves have fears that we *feel* even if we don’t believe them. On the off chance that there’s a little voice in there: That woman will never, ever, ever replace you in your son’s heart.
I know it is kind of immature, but I got a chuckle out of imagining some strange woman trying to get your son to even make a peep. Your boy may be a shy one but he is strong willed too…
Hugs my friend,
Lorien
The affair, lies and betrayal does not constitute a good father. If he lied to you he lied to your son. Treating your child’s mother in this way is not consistent with a good father, in my book.
Neither is partying with a mistress/girlfriend leaving his kid in the care of a sobbing mentally exhausted mother.
Kelly
note…I don’t like how I worded the last part of my comment. It sounds like I was implying C should not be in your care that is NOT at all what I meant…what I meant was…
It is not being a good father to contribute to his son’s caregivers misery to such an extreme. Not only does he have an absent dad but he has a sad mom…no matter how good she is at holding herself together in the child’s presence.
I hope that is a little more clear.
peace,
Kelly