When I get sick, what is important becomes clear, as does what is possible. I don’t have the energy to spin 10,000 things in my mind, nor do I have the ability to run around doing and doing. My long list of to-dos is evaporating before me as I realize, again, there is such a thing as good enough.
I dropped the car off with the mechanic this afternoon, after spending over an hour there this morning while he tried a couple of fixes that ultimately didn’t work. So, I can’t run all of the errands I’d hoped to before I leave town. Actually, I don’t even know what day we’ll get out of town. And I don’t have any fight left in me really, not to get mad that I’m sick or that the car is broken or that Mike isn’t working on the house as much as he said he would or as much as I need.
The house won’t be in a perfect state before I leave here. And perfect for me would likely not be perfect for the buyers anyway. There may be weeds in the garden and patches of trim that are scuffed.The color of paint driving me crazy on one cabinet isn’t bothersome to Mike or my neighbor.
Let go is the message I am getting in every area of my life. Let go the idea that Cavanaugh will go to bed and I will have time or energy to be productive while he sleeps. Let go of what my ex does or does not show up to do. Let go of how he does it, if he does it, when he does it. The answer is that if I want it done, I must do it myself–or decide I don’t want it done so badly after all.
Or maybe I want it done very badly and I have to let that go too. Tonight, I will sleep as many hours as my body asks me to. Tomorrow, I will go to the doctor’s office to see about new kidney medication. When I have energy, I will do little things that chip away the must do items. When the car is fixed, I will see if we’re ready to leave town. I am being forced to take one day at a time, to just do the next right thing. This is not comfortable for me. I am letting that go too.