When I get sick, what is important becomes clear, as does what is possible. I don’t have the energy to spin 10,000 things in my mind, nor do I have the ability to run around doing and doing. My long list of to-dos is evaporating before me as I realize, again, there is such a thing as good enough.
I dropped the car off with the mechanic this afternoon, after spending over an hour there this morning while he tried a couple of fixes that ultimately didn’t work. So, I can’t run all of the errands I’d hoped to before I leave town. Actually, I don’t even know what day we’ll get out of town. And I don’t have any fight left in me really, not to get mad that I’m sick or that the car is broken or that Mike isn’t working on the house as much as he said he would or as much as I need.
The house won’t be in a perfect state before I leave here. And perfect for me would likely not be perfect for the buyers anyway. There may be weeds in the garden and patches of trim that are scuffed.The color of paint driving me crazy on one cabinet isn’t bothersome to Mike or my neighbor.
Let go is the message I am getting in every area of my life. Let go the idea that Cavanaugh will go to bed and I will have time or energy to be productive while he sleeps. Let go of what my ex does or does not show up to do. Let go of how he does it, if he does it, when he does it. The answer is that if I want it done, I must do it myself–or decide I don’t want it done so badly after all.
Or maybe I want it done very badly and I have to let that go too. Tonight, I will sleep as many hours as my body asks me to. Tomorrow, I will go to the doctor’s office to see about new kidney medication. When I have energy, I will do little things that chip away the must do items. When the car is fixed, I will see if we’re ready to leave town. I am being forced to take one day at a time, to just do the next right thing. This is not comfortable for me. I am letting that go too.
Posted on July 5th, 2010 in 
Take care of yourself. *hugs*
Be well soon.
I hope you feel better soon. I’m curious about your kidney disease. Is it chronic kidney disease? How do you know these infections are kidney and not bladder infections?
I have had UT problems since I was a teen. I’ve had only one infection (that I know of) that spread to a kidney. It serious, life threatening…IV anti-biotics and such. Not fun.
But some of the UTIs were pretty bad too. Though none were serious enough to go beyond a pee test.
I’d love to hear more about your kidney issues since I’ve dealt with (and continue to deal with UT problems). Although, I’m much less diligent about going to the doctor about them than you seem to be. I’m sort of the opposite of a worrier when it comes to that sort of stuff.
The insight it gives you is great. I love this:
***Let go is the message I am getting in every area of my life. Let go the idea that Cavanaugh will go to bed and I will have time or energy to be productive while he sleeps. Let go of what my ex does or does not show up to do. Let go of how he does it, if he does it, when he does it. The answer is that if I want it done, I must do it myself–or decide I don’t want it done so badly after all.***
It’s about accepting the truth of the present and letting go of expectations.
Peace,
Kelly
Kelly
Hey Kelly. Yes, it’s chronic kidney disease caused by the wrong angle where my ureters connect with my bladder. It resulted in a stunted left kidney scarred with sacs of bacteria. I have had it since childhood but it wasn’t diagnosed until I was 14. I took sulfa drugs for six years but just couldn’t stand being on daily medication any more, so took myself off the meds when I was 20.
I only had one infection in my twenties that required antibiotics. Anytime I thought something might be going on with my kidneys, I just took cranactin (cranberry extract so I wouldn’t have to drink the horribly sour unsweetened cranberry juice).
Now, I’ve had seven infections in the last year and a half. I have only been vigilant about testing for them recently. Two of the infections were found at OB/GYN appointments when I just had to pee in a cup as part of the work-up. A couple I didn’t think to be tested for until I’d felt awful for weeks, thinking I had other things.
But I’ve had so many lately that I now clearly know the signs to look for and how sick I get if the infection is left untreated for very long. I’m hoping that once the stress of the divorce and just being in big life change goes away, the kidney infections will go with them.
In the meantime, my acupuncturist is helping and I had a trip to Taos Herb Co. this week to get ingredients for Chrysanthemum and Cota tea.