I have always been uber-resistant to meditation. I just end up feeling bad about myself.
I thought I was supposed to be watching the blank screen of my mind, clearing any thoughts away, sitting peacefully in quiet non-contemplation. It didn’t work.
Then I started reading Pema Chödrön’s When Things Fall Apart
Okay, I want some of that. I have reached my limit. I no longer want to be carried away by hope and fear. I’ve sure been experiencing my thoughts and emotions–as whirling dervishes pulling me into painful memories, dancing me around the scene of an accident I want to stop seeing in my mind’s eye.
I’ve even been working on figuring out how to let them go. But that letting go, that ability to come back to the present moment, is only semi-successful a small percentage of the time.
So, I went to meditation training at the Shambhala Center yesterday morning. I’ve been concentrating on my out breath for weeks. I’ve been labeling my thoughts, “Thinking” and trying to come back to the present moment. But, I know a lot of people who have a solid meditation practice. Many of them started or continued because they had a place to sit, in community.
I couldn’t find the building at first, though I’ve been there for ceremonies, the last one of which was a funeral. I know the place. But I drove right past it. Then I felt anxious. Would I find it? I didn’t have the number. Who should I call to find out? Maybe I’m not supposed to learn to meditate. Yep, the thoughts came quick and I was dancing with the dervish again. I drove S. 5th street and kept looking. There it was. So I parked and walked in, under the Tibetan prayer flags, over the stones in the courtyard, into the community room where other would-be meditators sat awaiting instruction.
We were taken back to the shrine room, paneled with a fragrant wood, cooled only by ceiling fans because the A/C was out. We sat on zafu pillows with crossed legs. We were told to stack one vertebrae on top of another, not to slouch, not to thrust our chests out in a regal pose. We rested our hands on our thighs. Then Tom, our guide, told us to look down three or so feet in front of us, and breathe with our mouths slightly open, our eyes slightly open. We practiced for two minutes or so before Tom stopped and asked what our experience had been like.
Here’s mine: Oh, my shoulder kind of hurts. I thought he said we were supposed to be comfortable. I must be sitting wrong. Don’t wiggle. Concentrate on the out breath. But we’re not supposed to take really deep breaths. Just breathe normally. Then I thought about the latest fight Mike and I had, Cavanaugh’s bug bites, painting the upstairs bathroom, “thinking,” man it’s hot in here, etc. etc.
I stayed after the group instruction to ask what the next steps were. Going into the meditation room with 30 cushions and people who could sit for a long time is beyond me just yet. Still, the explanation of meditation as a way to get to know our own minds appeals to me. The gradual opening of five seconds of space in which I am in my body at that very moment without thinking of anything is worth sitting for, learning how to do.
It helped that Tom talked about someone in meditation as being a warrior, sitting with what comes up as a fierce battle.
Yes, that’s what it feels like to me.
This morning, I did my first sitting meditation by myself. I set the nap timer for ten minutes. I managed to not look at the clock for three minutes. Cavanaugh started calling to me two minutes after that. Somewhere in there, I was breathing. I labeled my thoughts “Thinking.” Eventually I found that, “Right here right now” felt gentler.
It’s a start. Right here, right now, I am going to begin to know my own mind, in a new way.
Have you ever tried meditation? Do you like it? How do you come out of the world of thoughts and into the present moment?
Photo by cookiemonstah
Posted on May 24th, 2010 in 
I had similar experiences with meditation until I read “The Miracle of Mindfulness.” Something about his directions for mindfulness and meditation really clicked with me. The idea of meditating while doing got me going – I started with walking meditation (which many people progress to) and have worked backwards to seated. My favorite advice of his was that when meditating, if you have a thought, acknowledge it: “I’m thinking about my shoulder” – then let it go and try to return. Internally verbalizing my thoughts really helped me leave them behind. It took the pressure off a little – not to be “empty” but to BE, and if part of BEING was a thought, I could accept it, recognize it, then keep moving. Sensory awareness really helps me, too. What do my fingers feel like, my wrists, what do I smell right now, if I wiggle my toes, what does my foot feel. I don’t focus on these, but they ground me, then I get more actual meditation, instead of just focusing on empty, or being without thought. I think someone needs to write a guide to meditation for fidgety multi-tasking neurotics. I’d buy it.
I’m working backward to sitting meditation too. I get into a meditative state when I garden, when I walk around Town Lake, when I write. As much as I’ve told myself there are plenty of ways to meditate, I’ve wished I could sit, so I’m finally trying it. The idea of just acknowledging/labeling the thought and then letting it go is helpful. I’ll check out the book too. Thanks!!
Also, I love the idea of your meditation guide. I am imagining a whole series of guides for fidgety multi-tasking neurotics: meditation, sleep, playing with kids….
I haven’t meditated in a long time. I miss it. But when I did, the way I dealt with my thoughts was to imagine seeing the thought float into my head, then softly flick it away as if it were floating, like a feather.
If it kept coming back, I just watched it, until it disappeared.
The guide talked about crystal balls, which are frequently found on altars in a shrine room. The idea is that the natural state of our mind is clear and that our thoughts float across our mind like clouds. Your image of a feather floating feels like that. Of course, Cavanaugh loves to chase feathers floating in circles under the ceiling fan. How much do you want to bet I have an image of that little boy running with arms up, giggling madly as he chases a floating feather?
And then you let that thought float away. And so on.
The kind of meditation that works for me does not ask that you do anything but notice the present moment. If the present moment contains chaotic thoughts, they are just to notice: “I am having chaotic thoughts.” I point you again to *Full Catastrophe Living.* (Sorry to be so redundant). I do not like the metaphor of meditation as doing battle, or the meditator as warrior. Mindfulness is about non-judgemental observation, and that is what I have found useful. The violence of the metaphor disturbs me, but also the notion that you are somehow trying to control or fight, rather than accepting and observing.
Full Catastrophe Living is next on my reading list. I’m almost done with Codependent No More. Let me tell you how much I am looking forward to moving on to Kabat-Zinn.
I haven’t been sure about the metaphor of a warrior either. But as the center guide and Pema Chodron explain it, I finally understand why there’s so much warrior imagery and talk within Buddhist stories. It’s not about doing battle with the thoughts or trying to force them out. The warrior in meditation, as I now understand it, is that it takes bravery to to sit down and face the demons in one’s mind– to just sit, to not run away, or fight, or try some other method of escape.
I’m afraid I’m not explaining it too well since I’m just coming to understand it myself, but I definitely wasn’t being told to control or fight. It was more of a permission to accept and observe whatever comes up without labeling it as good or bad.
I had this idea about meditation that I would finally learn to sit there and have a blank mind and just feel serene. It helps me to understand that even people who meditate all the time don’t have that quiet mind all the time.
I’ll let you know what I think about Full Catastrophe Living. I look forward to reading his instruction on mindfulness.
Sonya / Wot first one must understand about
eNlIgHtEnMeNt tis not somebody giving you
something, it matters little how many places..
of meditation attend.. the hours in meditation
lying down standing up..or sitting on hands, as
force the body into extreme painful positions.
Wot you seek you already have.. thus its not in finding, t’was already yours t’was always yours
but covered, lost amongst worldly posessions.
The problem not your having IT the problem
be your preperation in the having IT thus the process in preperation in having IT being the
vital factor.. the good news you have already come a long way in such, process of learning
in fact your going forward by leaps /bounds,
compared to majority you are streets ahead.
I do not say such to boost the ego, in rather
you understand the situation towards your
outlook, is warm sunny with a cool breeze.
I did not mean to take away the importance
of meditation centres as all organizations in
aiding the individuals spiritual development
such are vital be of great importance, in the
many various stages on the individuals path.
In your particular stage I doubt there being
anything they can teach you, in truth more
you bringing increased knowledge to them.
Development unto EnLiGhTeNmEnT must
be balanced in understanding / experience
this balance is vital, as two wings on a plane
a balance in safely reaching its destination.
Understanding not outstripping experience.
Experience not outstripping understanding.
With future one will more understand such
the importance more fully with such advice.
In development of understanding you have
reached a stage needing an bigger challenge.
Thus I suggest best in hearing the words of
Prem Rawat..on PC search type the words
prem rawat foundation.. upon search page
click on… prem rawat foundation… on the
site being videos free to watch which give
understanding of the spiritual path, taken
to its ultimate goal.. videos also at UTUBE
in their search type Prem Rawat such will
also produce videos of prem rawat speak.
Words of knowledge being at great depth.
As begin of comment.. your given nought
but revealing that ..which already having.
oh, meditation – that business makes me wiggly & weird, but i keep trying periodically, you know. i keep hoping that i’ll “get” it.
in April my mom & i went to Kripalu & took a weekend workshop on youga & meditation, & i still have no idea if i was doing the meditation right or not. what i never did figure out was the gaol of the whole thing – am i supposed to relax? am i supposed to concentrate on being present in the moment? understand better a complicated situation by observing it? tune into my body? still my mind?
the nice instructor had great metaphors for the gamboling mind – it’s a wild horse, it’s a puppy, &c. mine definitely was busy & inquisitive. i acknowledged the thoughts & sent them away (on rubber bands, i think). i breathed, i noticed the breath. i may or may not have got it right?
Hello! Very recently have I began reading about mindfulness and meditation, and although without seeking professional opinion, I have already identified that should I enroll in a meditation course, I will be unable to focus. As I learn more from books and blogs (like this one) I tend to think that I have been living life mindlessly, doing things merely because it has been my routine for my whole life. I seriously am considering going into a meditation class, changing my perspective in life and being aware of myself and the life I am living. I have always had questioned whether I will be able to attain the state of “inner peace” by being mindful, but I guess I wouldn’t really know until I try. I do hope I will be able to be fully aware, “mindful” of myself. I just need to know the first step.