After sixteen years of being together, my husband and I are giving up. I posted three days ago about his telling me he’s been having an affair. People have had big reactions about that. I do too. It was a horrible thing to do.
People seem to want to take sides in this. There are no sides. Mike and I both just suffered a catastrophic loss and we are both grieving. We both need support. The side to be on is the side of our whole family figuring out a way to move through this gracefully and lovingly, to keep everyone’s highest interests in mind and heart.
The truth in the midst of this recent web of lies I find myself strangled by is that the marriage isn’t over because of this affair. Mike and I have had the same fight for sixteen years because we fundamentally want different things from life. He likes to be out in the world, and by world I mean work and his club and the poetry slam. He likes to be around people and noise, a few beers and a good shot of whiskey.
I, on the other hand, like to watch TV and garden, to come up to bed an hour before I actually want to sleep so I can cuddle and read. I want to go on vacations many times a year and travel to foreign countries.
Mike wants to go to whatever city is hosting the National Poetry Slam that year. He actually snuck away on our honeymoon to the computer lab in our all-inclusive hotel because he was going crazy not being able to check his email. He has an iPhone which buzzes with texts, emails, phone calls, and FB updates. I frequently forget to turn my cell phone on.
We’re different, but we love each other. We have loved each other for sixteen years and still do. That doesn’t mean we should be married though. And there’s no way I ever would have given up on our marriage if he hadn’t had this affair. I would have kept fighting for us.
I would have kept feeling second or third or lower on his list of priorities because his whole life revolves and always has revolved around his being at work. Luckily for him, he has really cool work. Unluckily for me, I actually wanted him to come home (and want to be there and do projects).
When the person who you love most in the world constantly tells you you’re doing it wrong or you should want something else, you are miserable. So while I’m grieving the loss of the life I thought I was going to have, I also feel a sense of relief.
Mike’s right. We love each other and are friends and great parents. We can be in each others’ lives without having to be implicated or disappointed by the others’ life choices—at least not in the way a married couple is.
That doesn’t make this any less heartbreaking. I am devastatingly sad.
While Cavanaugh and Mike played LEGOs downstairs this morning, I sobbed as I walked around the house taking down all the pictures of Mike and I and piling them up in the guest room to deal with later: our first trip to NM sitting on a rock by the Hondo bridge, him in a skirt hugging the five foot tall stuffed polar bear he won for me at Six Flags, a photo of us at our wedding kissing outside the chapel, the JCPenney pics of us on either side of Cavanaugh each kissing one of his cheeks.
I never understood people who said that love is not enough. I get it now. It’s a horrible understanding.
Posted on February 26th, 2010 in 
I think you are incredibly strong and smart. You are letting yourself feel this and go through this and still putting your child first. Good for you. I hope that you can still laugh through the tears sometimes.
I’ve been thinking about you for days, and will continue to, and send good vibes your way.
*big bear hugs*
I am feeling all of the energy people send and I appreciate it as much as your kind words. Thank you!
You are brave, beautiful, and wise beyond your years. I admire your strength, love, acceptance and honesty. You are loved, cherished, full of grace and beauty. I am lucky to know you and call you a friend. You inspire me. I love you.
I admire your strength and your outlook on life. I wish you both the best as you go through this transition and figure out the best and healthiest way to take care of yourselves and of your son.
I think we should both ask Robert Lee for our money back – ha! (joking)
Sonya,
I find it interesting. The when Jeff walked out on the kids and I – I spent following two weeks framing and hanging all of the picture I could find of Jeff, the kids and I as a family…to remind the kids there had been happiness in all the years that preceded his betrayal.
In reality it was humiliating…but once I got past the humiliation….it was empowering to be surrounded by photographic reminders that we really did share a LOT of happiness together. That it wasn’t all a lie.
Just something to think about. Stay strong.
Peace,
Kelly
When me and my wife separated through divorce, we had no choice but to settle arrangements when it comes to co-parenting. We have 2 young kids and we don’t want them to suffer just because we needed to part ways. So me and my ex-wife are working hand in hand to take care of the kids. My wife also bought co-parenting planner/organizer from http://4help.to/parenting which really is of big help in this process. Hopefully we’ll get things flowing smoothly as planned. Thanks for sharing this!
It sounds like you and your ex-wife really were able to put your kids first. I hope things continue to go smoothly. Thanks so much for the planner suggestion.
Thank you for posting this. Im now in this situation, my wife of 11 years left me with 1 weeks warning for another guy. That didnt last and she is already on guy#2 (its been less than 3 months). I would have never ever imagined she would be like this. She was the most honest person Id ever known until all this happened. We have 2 beautiful girls, who I’m trying to find the emotional reserves to concentrate on. The way you handled looking at your divorce is an inspiration and Im hoping to do the same. I will remain friends with my soon to be ex, for the girls sake, its just hard on me to see her 5 days a week and keep it together sometimes. Again, thanks for posting your feelings, they help people like me going through this.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It’s been almost two years since my husband told me he was having an affair and wanted a divorce but I still remember those first days of waking up in the morning and remembering that this was my life now, of trying to come to terms with who I was discovering my (now ex-) husband was. In our case, it turned out the lies started long before the affair. Our attempts at friendship let us know that we needed time to not be friends. We are amicable. We are dedicated to co-parenting with each other. But trying to talk about how the other was doing, family, work, etc. was just too hard. Our new roles with each other hadn’t had time to be separated out and redefined. In my divorce class, people talked about how it was easier to have a spouse die than to divorce because one could keep loving the person, could say good-bye and move on. Then there were the folks who hadn’t had kids together and never saw each other again after the divorce. It’s its own special kind of torture to see the person who has betrayed and left you every single day, to still feel love for them, to be looking for the person you recognize in the midst of a crazy new reality. Be gentle with yourself. Remember that your kids need you, and that it’s okay to be human. You can tell them you’re sad or scared. And you can tell them that you’re the parent and no matter how you’re feeling, you’re there to take care of them. They are safe and they are loved. And, you all still have each other. Also, I highly recommend Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart. I’ve read it and reread it and it helped me get through. Good luck and much light to you and your girls.
Thank you Sonya. I will check out the book you recommended. I appreciate your response and advice.
This is such a touching story, and a big help. My wife and I are looking at possible divorce. After 10 years I discovered she was cheating on me 4 months ago. We have two great kids, and 7 year old, and a 14 year old. The impact of learning of her act, has caused me to fall into a major depression, which I am talking medcation for. I want to try and work things out, but she feels to much damage has been done. Now she goes out all the time, and lies. I struggle to come to terms that we may fall into a divorce , and don’t know how to let her go. What suggestions can you provide to help me?