My husband has been having an affair for the last eight months. And he did it with someone I thought was my friend, so I wasn’t the slightest bit suspicious when he mentioned her name, which in retrospect was a lot.
That he was having sex with someone else doesn’t bother me nearly as much as that he was lying, that he told me over and over that I couldn’t trust myself. When he closed his laptop as I walked by, when he turned his phone to make sure I wouldn’t see an incoming text, when he didn’t come home and said he was at work, over and over he told me that all of the signs I was seeing didn’t mean anything. When I asked repeatedly if he was having an affair, he lied to my face and acted offended that I would ever suspect such I thing. He told me that I couldn’t trust what I saw or believed. And ultimately, his actions told me that I was not loved or lovable.
But he’s wrong. I am loved. I am lovable. And I can trust myself even though I can’t trust the person who I thought was my best friend.
I will make a new life with my son. I will love myself enough not to ever be with someone again who would treat me so disrespectfully, so unkindly. I will trust myself and I will let myself be loved honestly.
Posted on February 24th, 2010 in 
I am so sorry to read this… Somehow, I had a hunch, but I figured it must be classic me over-analyzing things… I can’t begin to imagine how you feel. I have been cheated on before, but it is quite different when it is the person you married, the father of your child, the person you thought you would grow old with… I do know one thing: you are an amazing, strong, wonderful human being. You will get through this and you and your son will be fine. Hugs. Don’t forget to reach out when you are having a bad day. Lastly, if I may, I’m sending a virtual kick his way! And, the “friend,” I won’t even go there!
Sonya, you are loved and very loveable. Someone who cheats and lies is weak and cowardly. He’s a jerk. Your life will become so much better without him.
I’m so sorry, Sonya. You ARE a very lovable person.
You are loved. By many. The choices made by your husband in no way reflect on the honesty, the essence, and the love that is you. Take heart knowing that your son will follow your example–not that of your husband. If you take nothing else away from this experience, at the very least your husband taught you that you can trust yourself. You’ll no longer question that which you know to be true in your soul.
Sonya,
I love you and I am so sorry to hear this. Just know that you have lots of friends who are here for you. Please, please let me know if there is anything I can do. Call any time.
Lisa
*wince* (((hugs))) Sending loving thoughts your way. Let me know if I can help with anything, sweetie.
You are loved by many, many, my friend. You are incredibly strong and and intuitive. You will rock this for yourself and for Cavanaugh.
Sonya,
I’m so sorry you have been done so wrong. I want to tell you that you are a sweet and kind person. When I first went to an AP meeting, you were one of the reasons I wanted to go back. You were so nice to me and so very lovable. Please let me know if I can do anything.
I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry. Remember, this moment, here, this breath.
I know you’re gonna get a lot of people telling you he;s a jerk, etc. and you might feel that way and you might just feel sadness and remember the love and be baffled. either way, feel your own feelings, ground them, and don’t be swayed by other shit you hear. listen to yourself. feel…..i’m feeling for the first time since my divorce, i haven’t cried until yesterday and now i can’t stop. but it was fucking poisoning me trying to distract myself from my real grief. not that that’s your story, just tellin you mine. i love you, sister. tan
Feeling the grief is the hardest part. It is so big and consuming that if I even try to cry by myself, I feel like I will be drowned in sadness. I understand your having avoided it and am so glad you’re able to start feeling it now. So far, I have asked friends to come over and sit with me so that I can cry. It is so much more helpful than talking. It allows my heart to move through this with all the crazy stories my head makes up.
There’s a poem by Adrienne Rich in which she delineates how being lied to makes a person feel like she’s losing her mind. A complex web comes into question–things in one’s world that seemed one way were not and one wonders what is real. I wish I could find the poem. Rich writes about lying a lot so it doesn’t come up in a search. I looked for it last year when a close friend of mine was in a similar situation, wracking her brain trying to figure out what was real in the last year of her life since her husband was having an affair, she had discovered.
I’m so awfully sorry for the shock you are going through, Sonya.
Love, Karen
Thinking of you and wishing the highest and best for all concerned. Been there and know the pain that dishonesty
causes when someone we trust lies and we are left doubting ourselves.When someone is unable to tell the truth they take away our ability to deal with ‘what is’ and cause us to live their lie.
I feel for all the sad days you will have but know you are thoughtful and strong and that Cavanaugh will provide joy
amidst the sorrow.
Clearly, you are loved. Hold onto that and to your sweet little boy, and all will be well. Trust in the Universe. Things happen for a reason. So so sorry you are having to deal with this heartache. xoxo
First, it sucks to be disillusioned. I feel your pain there. Secondly, even your own body will lie to you. You will lie to you. Don’t get too hung up on the lies and deception thing, it comes with the joy of living, and comes from many sources.
Deception comes with the affair, like the smell of gasoline.
Your house has been set on fire, by someone living it it. They played with matches because of the allure of fire. Now you’re left with the smoke damage and one less pair of hands to rely on while you sort out your mind/heart. So you’ve seen divorces blow up other families, you can choose how you want to play this out: controlled demolition, smoke damage abatement, relocation, and rebuilding.
Your relationship got abused. There is recovery from it. There is redemption and reconciliation. When you wreck your car, you can only focus on the accident for a few hours, then you have to sort out your transportation and recovery. Writing may help. Time and meditation certainly will.
Nick, your analogy about a house being burned down feels so accurate. Thank you for that. I walk through my house and recognize all the wishes I had here, everything I thought was going to occur in these walls and over the years. It’s hard to determine right now what is salvageable and what is ruined. Recovery is the focus even as I walk through the wreckage. Your reminder is much appreciated.
Sonya,
I have a recommendation for you. It’s a book. Please. please. please consider reading it.
It’s called.
Not “Just Friends” Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity from Infidelity
by: Shirley P. Glass
http://books.google.com/books?id=zT447ikZz6sC&dq=not+just+friends&printsec=frontcover&source=bn&hl=en&ei=CBmMS6-8G5OYtgfBxpCnDw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=4&ved=0CBoQ6AEwAw#v=onepage&q=&f=false
It takes the approach that finding out about an affair is a traumatic event and needs to be treated as such.
it helped me regain my sanity and helped Jeff and I recover and from infidelity. We are stronger, as a couple, than we ever were.
From what you say here…your husband gaslighted you. Made you think you were paranoid and crazy when your mind told you otherwise.
This doesn’t have to do with love. As much as it may have made you feel unloved…it wasn’t about love. Ask him today…does he love you? I bet the answer is yes.
Remember the saying, we always hurt the ones we love…it really is the truth.
You trusted him more than you trusted yourself. You wronged yourself almost as much as he wronged you. I’ve been there. You are strong you will be okay. Read the book….it will help.
Peace,
Kelly
Thank you for sharing your story. Back in 1985, my father asked my mother for a divorce when I was 12 after 35 years of marriage and an affair with a woman in our church (he was the minister). My mother had not outlet for her pain but to drag me into her sorrow. They never found a way to work things out where they could do what was best for me, so I never saw my father again until 1993.
Don’t let people tell you not to share your story or to not grieve publicly. They don’t have to read it if they don’t want to, but it just may be the best way to force honesty and trust into the situation as you and your husband try to figure out what is best for you and your son, while protecting him as much as possible.
I’m so sorry that you lost so much time with your father and that you had to be your mother’s support. I did some of that during my parents’ divorce. I am trying so hard not to have my son have to grow up too fast or feel like it’s his job to take care of me in all of this.
Thanks for the encouragement to continue sharing my story. It’s good to know that it reaches or touches other people, that they can relate.
Sonya, this whole thing is shitty. I wish I could say something eloquent or uplifting. I can say this: I will be in Austin on March 12 and 13 and can come over. We can catch up, or you can cry, or we could have a glass of wine. If you want. I think you are loveable, talented and incredibly strong. You will get through this. Love to you!–Carrie