So far, mamaTRUE has been dedicated to my parenting: experiences, challenges, resources, and activities. And in some ways it is going to continue to be, but for 2010 I am shifting my focus. Every day of this year, I am going to blog about some aspect of self-care. I will share what I’ve done that day to take care of myself, what tools I’m using, and what effects I’m seeing. Motherhood will still be at the center of mamaTRUE because I want to help myself and other mothers learn how to find new ways to take care of ourselves physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and psychologically. Focusing on ourselves in this way is the ultimate way to be true to ourselves and our children.
Why the change? This fall, as my 39th birthday approached, I felt antsy and anxious. Aging has never bothered me before. Why start caring about it now? Was it that 39 is the precursor to 40?
I can’t tell you how much I’ve evaluated this in the last few months. So far, I’ve reached a few conclusions, the first of which is that it isn’t so much my age that concerns me as my state of mind.
I’m a stay-at-home mom to a toddler, which is both challenging and rewarding. I’m financially dependent on my husband, which is okay with me. I was the primary breadwinner for the first 12 years of our relationship and I feel fine that it gets to be my turn for awhile. I’m also very grateful to be home with my son. But my husband’s work hours and income fluctuate greatly, so I’m dependent on something that I can’t predict or control. That’s not so good.
Beyond that, I’ve been in desperate need of more breaks since Cavanaugh turned two and developed a toddler’s will. Though we’ve hired a part-time nanny, we can’t afford much more help than we’re getting and Cavanaugh is not ready for school. So, how do I meet his needs and mine too? I don’t know. And I think this is a question many moms struggle with.
Whether it’s about getting extra help with the kids or the house or having time to relax, exercise, socialize, be productive, get support, or otherwise fill one’s own cup, one of the major challenges of motherhood is self care.
What is particular to me (though I’m sure there are other mamas out there with similar issues) is that I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I was 14 years old. I was suicidal from ages 14 – 29, spent my pregnancy with Cavanaugh (and quite awhile after) being treated for generalized anxiety disorder, and though I’ve been off medication for years, I have watched myself sinking into a depression over the last year that has led me to consider anti-depressants, suicide, and running away from my life and making something totally new. All of those were signs that I am not happy. I am not okay.
The truth is that even though my current challenge is motherhood, I’ve been here before and how I feel is not because of Cavanaugh. It’s because of me.
I don’t know how to be happy or keep my life in balance. Things will be okay for awhile, but when I enter a state of disequilibrium, no matter what caused it, I have a very hard time getting back on track. I am tired of feeling more fragile than everybody else. I am tired of being broken.
Every day of this next year, I will do something to heal myself, to learn how to feel happy, and to be serene. I will share what I did and how I made time and space to do it in the hope that it will help you too.
Photo by BuckNut
Posted on January 1st, 2010 in 
wow. I relate to this…though I have never struggled with depression..that I’m aware of..so some of how you are feeling, to me, must be attributed to a 39-40 year old stage of life. In my thoughts, I would hate to see you medicate your feelings before you really give …what I’m about to recommend….a go. Exercise. God, I hate exercise buffs..they can be so seemingly self righteous…but I really really believe in what I’m saying. When I turned 39 I felt I was facing a very wide fork in the road. I could continue on the same path that had gotten me to 180 un-fit pounds…and permanently join the ranks of the plus-sized…or I could give regular exercise a try…one more time…before I blew out a knee or foot and would never have the skeleton and /or ligaments to achieve real fitness ever again. So I started…5 days a week…without fail. I made it as essential to my day as making coffee. It’s a hassle and requires some real planning…but I swear to God..it will fix your head. The body changes are secondary to the healing of your psychological head f**k. I truly truly believe that without the forced movement of your body…you won’t be able to convince your mind that you are not…actually dying inside.
I want to run away sometimes, too. That’s why I started the Couch to 5K running program. At least this way, I won’t get farther than 5K.
I can relate to a lot of what you are saying: our kids are similar ages, we are at home with them, husband’s income is unsteady, I feel like I must do a better job, but I am fighting depression… I don’t know if it is age or what it is… I am 26, so if it is age, I am afraid of what will come up in 15 years for me! I have found that exercising helps a great deal. I recently fell off the wagon, if you will, so I am working on getting back on track. The difference in my mood and state of mind is very noticeable. I look forward to reading about your journey. I wish you the very best. And, hopefully, every now and then I will come up with an idea that would help you and I both! Good luck!
Sonya,
I wrote about this last week and my friend just sent me your link. My heart is full at the moment because I want to say thank you for sharing and hoorah for us raising the roof on something that is so common yet is so misunderstood and as a result kept quiet. I wish you a year of self fullfilment. i wish you a lifetime of functioning days. Mostly, i wish you the same as i wish myself that I can get out of bed each and every morning and get through the day…Smiles and jokes optional. I posted the following link on my blog but wanted to put it here since I can’t stand it when people shamelessly self promote (!) – this is a letter from Stephen Fry to a woman who contacted him regarding her depression. http://www.lettersofnote.com/2009/10/it-will-be-sunny-one-day.html
I wish you well. Consider yourself at war but know that there are millions of us that stand alongside you fighting for ourselves and our families. There’s comfort in numbers,
[...] 16, 2010 · Leave a Comment On January 1st of this year, I committed myself to a year of self care and learning how to be happy. I certainly didn’t know at the time that my husband would announce less than two months [...]