Yesterday I wrote about how I’d had my worst day as a mama in the almost three years I’ve been on the job.  Here’s the short version: my son and I had opposing wants and needs from the moment we woke up until he went to sleep. I did not act the part of the grown up, at least not the nice nurturing grown up I manage to be with him most of the time.

I lay in bed last night thinking back on the day. The circumstances weren’t unusual. We’ve had too early wake-ups, no coffee in the house, wanting to do different things, spills, injuries, and overall bad timing– in combination or alone. So why was yesterday so awful? It wasn’t actually about anything Cavanaugh did. It wasn’t his actions at all. It was his being. It was that for most of the time on most days I am not autonomous. I can’t do what I want when I want to. There’s a little person who also has needs, wants, and an agenda I can only partially influence.

On most days I feel lucky: lucky to have this precious little boy who I happen to like quite a lot, as well as loving more than chocolate; lucky to be able to stay at home with him since I like this better than any other job I’ve ever had. But I occasionally hit a mama wall. Yesterday, I climbed onto a mama ledge. Depending upon the point in the day, I wanted to either jump off myself or throw him off. On any other day, I could have dealt with the troubles with some tried and trued parenting techniques: a little distract and redirect here, a little playful parenting there. But I didn’t have the energy to use a technique. I just wanted to sleep in late because I needed the extra sleep. I wanted to go out for coffee and sit there as long as I wanted without having to consider what another person wanted. I didn’t want to negotiate or compromise or have my day be tied up with someone else’s day.

I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, but our lives were never this connected. We did things separately: school, work, travel, social events. Some things we did together, of course, and we checked in about each others’ schedules, but my every movement was not circumscribed by what he was doing, who could hang out with him so I could have some free time. That doesn’t usually happen in partnerships, at least not one I want to be involved in. We had our own lives and joined lives. We were autonomous and connected. I am no longer autonomous.

The problem is I like doing stuff by myself. I like being in charge of myself. I like to stay up late at night. The time I’ve always, my whole life, gotten a 2nd wind or flash of inspiration was about 11 p.m. If I go with it now, I stay up past the only bedtime I’ve ever given myself. And the bedtime is important because the boy doesn’t sleep in just because I stayed up till 2 or 3 a.m. And if he does sleep in, it’s 8:30 a.m. I used to be an up till 3 a.m. and sleep until noon kind of person. I can’t be my kind of person anymore. Instead I’m a mama.

Most days, the perks outweigh the sacrifices. Some days, I just don’t have one more ounce to give. And I think yesterday was so bad because the last drops had been wrung out of me by a kidney infection followed by Cavanaugh’s croup and both of us having colds. We haven’t hung out with friends or gotten out of the house much. I haven’t been to the gym enough and I go a little crazy without that endorphin release. And since we hired a part time nanny, I’ve been feeling all this pressure to get stuff done (stuff that I’ve wanted but haven’t had time to do for three frigging years). So I don’t want to spend the time when she’s here taking a bath or lying around reading. I want to be filled up and ready to work on all these projects I want to do. But I’m not full. I’m nearly empty.

Going to the movies in the middle of the afternoon all by myself yesterday was a great reminder. Sitting in a dark room listening to someone else’s life in surround sound is a great escape. I need some of those. But I also need to feel like a productive human being in my own right. And I need to be able to meet my own needs sometimes without taking my child into account. Is it possible to do that if you’re a parent, at least a stay at home parent of a young child?